2003 was a bad year. Friends were awful, love was great but the friends were more awful. It was a year that called out for new beginnings- for me to set myself some points to look forward to- when things would change. The great thing is, and I see this in hindsight, that the minute you set yourself that date, you automatically start moving towards it, sorting through the thoughts and actions, taking what you need along and discarding the rest. The fanfare of “next and new”- however internal- sets off a tide of movement forward, which allows so many past things to shut down- or resolve, as needed.
For as long as I can remember, I have always looked for markers, in date or otherwise to be the harbingers of new beginnings. Each time I would feel stuck in a place, situation, friend-zone or mental labyrinth, I would instinctively seek out the next “point” at which my life would automatically evolve into something better because the universe deemed it so. I recall waiting in almost mad anticipation for my 13th birthday- because I felt that as a teenager, wonderful things would happen to me, or so the books said anyway. Similarly 16 was the next stop, made so more by the whole sweet-sixteen phenomena of course. Come to think of it now, nothing momentous really happened then, except my O levels. 18, then 21 of course, the magic grown up dates of legal existence as I shed those layers of who I thought I was. And then of course the Quarter Life arrived, bringing it with the next best 5 years all leading up to what we thought at the time was official adulthood.
What I eventually realized that in all the dates I have mentally marked over the years, there has been that underlying sense of empowerment, of knowing that the new beginning I have marked in my calendar is one that I brought about, despite my belief in the magical turning points of the universe. I think I had always been aware of but never really acknowledged that there was moment when I said enough, and changed things inside me, which in essence, set off the way life would transpire around me.